For the first 20 years of my life, my relationships fell into a similar pattern. I’d start dating a girl, we’d be amazing together, and next thing you know, I’m single again.
When I entered a long-term relationship during college, I thought she was the one. Two years later she broke it off and I spent months pissed off about how it was all her fault.
What kind of person would leave a man who treated her so well? Who would be so heartless to throw two years away just like that? I was so good to her and this is what I get in return?
I eventually found the book No More Mr. Nice Guyand realized I had been lying to myself for years. I was anything but nice in my relationships. I was emotionally manipulative, insecure, and a downright asshole.
The truth is that most “nice guys” don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. For years they struggle to attract women and when they finally date one, they end up losing her down the line. They either keep following this path of frustration or do a 180° and try to become a douchebag to have success with women.
I’m here to tell you that the opposite of the “nice guy” is not a jerk, far from it. Jerks have short-term success and are miserable in life. I want to show you how to be the best kind of man you can be: a true gentleman.
Read the contrasting lists below and see where you fall. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Understand that mostly everyone will have a mix and nothing is absolute. But, it’s a good reference to see what you can work on.
Note: I stumbled upon this brilliant picture which inspired me to write my own, updated version of this. I cut out some stuff I disagreed with, added important points, and elaborated on others. If you know the original author, please contact me and I will gladly give full credit.
The “Nice Guy”:
- Has low self-esteem, doesn’t value himself highly. Might be out of past failures or other deep-rooted emotional issues.
- Constantly seeks approval, validation, or attention from others, usually out of a low self-worth. Cares what everyone else thinks of him, fears disapproval.
- Insecure with himself, doesn’t feel that a high quality person (women especially) should like him. He is constantly afraid of abandonment.
- Exhibits controlling, possessive, jealous, domineering, clingy, or suffocating behavior. Over-texts, over-calls, needs to be with that person 24/7. Makes people feel guilty when they enjoy time without him.
- Idealizes potential mates and overlooks their flaws aka “puts them on a pedestal”. Does the same with relationships and devotes large amounts of emotion, time, energy, and money early on.
- Doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. Never admits fault and wrongly blames others.
- Claims he’s victimized, attributes his own flaws and shortcomings to external circumstances and/or other people.
- Kisses-up and is totally agreeable to try and “score points” with people, especially women. Will never disagree for fear of upsetting her. Places his needs last and tries to satisfy everyone else before him.
- Never leads, is submissive, and always wants to make sure everything he does is okay with her. Overly apologetic and says sorry when there’s nothing to apologize for.
- Doesn’t draw boundaries, gives women whatever they want in return for love, sex, or approval. Accepts second-class behavior for the possible reward of the aforementioned. Doesn’t say “no” even when he knows it’s the right thing to do.
- Often hides his true feelings and bottles them up inside. Afraid to speak his mind and may lie or omit things.
- Immature and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. Lacks social etiquette and awareness.
- Displays poor/weak body language. Makes little or no eye contact, leans forward out of nervousness, and has fast/jerky movements. Possesses nervous ticks/fidgety habits, keeps hands in his pockets, exhibits bad posture, and doesn’t stand up straight.
- Is easily emotionally destabilized, gets worked up over meaningless things. “Loses his cool” and has outbursts of anger.
- Constantly uses self-deprecating humor to get approval, sympathy, or pity.
- Feels guilty for his natural sexual desires, even for simply looking at a woman. Represses his sexuality and ends up in the friend zone. Gets frustrated, angry, and misogynistic towards women because of it.
- Whines and complains, usually to get pity or sympathy. Has a negative attitude and a cynical outlook on life.
- Favors instant gratification and short-sighted thinking. He’s not willing to put in the effort or dedication needed to accomplish tasks. Does not give credit to what others achieve and thinks he could easily “do it better than them”.
- Feels the need to compensate for himself through gifts or expensive restaurants. Needs to prove his worth by showing his money or status early on.
- Always has “strings attached” or motives for being generous or doing favors. Expects something in return and gets angry or guilt trips when it doesn’t happen – exhibits manipulative behavior.
- Judges people based on external factors such as appearance or material items.
- Sees women primarily as sexual objects. His main goal is to have sex with them and does not care or actually listen.
- Dependent, needs a woman to feel happy or fulfilled in life. Hates being alone and will jump into relationships that are not right for him just to be with someone.
The Real Man:
- Has high self-esteem, considers himself valuable and worthy, a “catch”.
- Enjoys the company of others but does not seek their approval or attention to be happy. Doesn’t let people’s opinions emotionally destabilize him.
- Is self-confident and never arrogant or insecure. Possibly slightly cocky and may tease women in a friendly way. Believes he’s a great person that people will love to be around.
- Understands personal freedom and boundaries. Doesn’t experience unnecessary jealousy – encourages a woman to exercise her independence.
- Appreciates the qualities in potential mates but does not over-romanticize them. Takes new relationships day by day and lets them grow naturally. Doesn’t invest all his emotions, time, or money into a relationship too soon and remains a challenge.
- Takes responsibility for all his actions and realizes when he’s done something wrong. He’s not afraid to apologize and doesn’t take it out on others.
- Accepts his flaws and does not make excuses for them. Works to actively improve and fix them rather than complain.
- Will agree when he legitimately agrees but has his own thoughts and values. He stands up for them without being argumentative or causing a scene. Makes fulfilling his needs a priority before trying to satisfy everyone else’s.
- Isn’t afraid to lead and take control of a situation. Doesn’t hesitate to move forward, but is willing to let others take charge if needed. His apologies are meaningful because they’re used sincerely and when necessary.
- Understands his boundaries and doesn’t tolerate disrespect to himself, his property, or his time. Doesn’t let women use their sexual power to get anything (whether it be money or self-respect) from him. Not afraid to put someone in their place when they are out of line.
- Can be brutally honest (while still being respectful) with everyone, including himself. Isn’t afraid to speak his mind.
- Mature in every sense of the word. Compromises, respects social etiquette, and is aware of other people.
- Displays strong, confident body language. Holds good eye contact, stands tall with his shoulders back and arms open. He moves deliberately with purpose and speaks with a clear, confident voice.
- Is in control of his emotions, doesn’t let meaningless issues bother him. Stays calm under pressure and doesn’t lash out against others.
- Makes people laugh without always resorting to tearing himself down.
- Never feels ashamed for his sexual desires and needs. Always sexually confident. Shows his intentions while generating attraction and sexual chemistry with the opposite sex. Loves women and has no ill feelings towards them.
- Doesn’t feel the need to complain for attention or sympathy. Accepts the world as it is while keeping a positive attitude.
- Goal-oriented thinker, favors long-term gratification over short. Has a purpose in life and proactively works towards it. Challenges himself regularly to achieve what he wants out of life. Enjoys it when others shine and is inspired by their accomplishments.
- Enjoys giving gifts and sharing expensive meals out of confidence, high-value, and because he genuinely wants to. Doesn’t try to buy a girl’s affection early on.
- Is generous out of the kindness of his heart. Does not expect anything in return and is happy to share value.
- Judges people based on meaningful internal qualities such as character and personality.
- Sees women as human beings and wants to genuinely connect with them, even if it’s a casual hookup. Is compassionate.
- Is proudly independent and perfectly happy being single. Sure, he’d like to find an attractive/beautiful/intelligent woman to spend time with, but he doesn’t need it.
This is the man women are talking about when they say, “I wish I could just meet a nice guy.”
So…who are you going to be?